[Fwd: Darwin Awards]
David V. Rogers
Mon, 22 Jun 1998 10:50:54 -0400
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From: Wayne Osentoski <firstname.lastname@example.org>
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Subject: Darwin Awards
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The long-awaited new edition of the Darwin Awards
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of)
those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done
most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove
bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch
from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the
headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the
bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and
died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.
(2) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
to Ken's head and fired.
(3) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
(4) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
(5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would
him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of
(6) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.
He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet
missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the
threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking
the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the
by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of
(7) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington
tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as
suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime,
by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No
else was hurt.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (i.e., Non-Fatalities):
(1) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a
home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys
written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by
the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by
dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes.
The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish,
left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and
legs. It was all captured on film.
(2) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container
which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to
the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake immediately bit
Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a
visit to the local emergency room.
(3) In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the
beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35
the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe
some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the
animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down
pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful
attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel
down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to
defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide
feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back
way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the
angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to
witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his
own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front
lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.
was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone
of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get
(4) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at
least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30a.m. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the
cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two
fishermen. All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out
me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
severed foot was never located.
(5) Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were
out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
amid ships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian
airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for
home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to
manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and
themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed
the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.