[Fwd: :) A Bunch Of'em]
David V. Rogers
Fri, 13 Nov 1998 09:45:10 -0500
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Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 17:01:34 -0900
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From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dick Rucker)
Subject: :) A Bunch Of'em
>Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998
>From: Terry Hines <thines@MSIS.dmso.mil>
>Subject: :) A Bunch Of'em
>>THE TROUBLE WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
>>The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
>>said, "Hi, I've lost my wife somewhere here in the supermarket. Can you
>>talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
>>"Why?" the woman asked.
>>"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
>>My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order for a car that read:
>>"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
>>Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a second
>>later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
>>Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the
>>problem. He promptly returned the repair order to the service manager with
>>this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
>>THE COFFEE DRINKER'S PRAYER
>>Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.
>>It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
>>It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
>>It restoreth my buzz:
>>It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
>>Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will
>>fear no Equal (tm):
>>For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
>>Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez:
>>Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
>>Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
>>I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.
>>One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation:
>>"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons -- a $100 sermon
>>that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10
>>sermon that lasts a full hour.
>>Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
>>A LITTLE PASTORAL ADVICE
>>A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only
>>a year to live.
>>So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,
>>he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
>>"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge
>>Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can
>>find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
>>Surprised, the fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
>>"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like
>>TAKE A MUD BATH
>>A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while,
>>the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you
>>have a condition which only allows you another six weeks to live."
>>"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years.
>>This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
>>After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the
>>street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
>>Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
>>"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
>>LITTLE JOHNNY ANSWERS THE DOOR
>>A door-to-door salesman rang the bell at a suburban home. The door was
>>opened by Little Johnny puffing on a long black cigar.
>>Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked Johnny, "Is your Mother home?"
>>Little Johnny took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet,
>>and asked, "What do you think?"
>>I DREAMED I WENT TO HEAVEN
>>I dreamed last night that I went to Heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly
>>Gates. I asked him since I had just arrived in Heaven if I could take a
>>look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along to show me
>>We hadn't gone far until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the
>>ugliest beasts you could ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably
>>about 95 years old, with five-inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off
>>its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie
>>why he was chained to this awful creature.
>>Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of
>>sins, and now I'm chained to this ugly thing as penance."
>>We wished President Clinton the best of luck and moved on. A while later we
>>met none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock'n'Roll, and he was tied
>>to another of the ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the
>>first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
>>The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number
>>of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster as penance."
>>We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
>>After a while we met up with Bill Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy just
>>so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious and sexiest
>>women you could ever imagine -- long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs,
>>and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each
>>other like that.
>>The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a
>>number of sins..."